I just caught up with an old friend I hadn't seen in years, and I couldn't help but feel myself getting swept away into total girliness and completely ridiculous thoughts.
When I met him in college, I thought he was fantastically attractive. Green eyes, tall, fit, and not like the other guys I had met at college. He was into design and music and dressed like he wanted without feeling conscious. He, of course, didn't think there was anything special about me.
So now, 5 years later and with a little help from Facebook, we decided that since we would be in the same place at the same time, we would catch up.
We walked to each other, we hugged, we small talked, then we talked about lives and the reasons we have done the things we've done. We talked about hockey (my knowledge of which "floored" him- yes, that's the word he used). Easy, fun, clever conversation.
So of course, I felt like there was potential for a connection there. But then I started thinking- why now would he be even remotely interested in me when he wasn't 5 years ago. What would he see now that he didn't see then? And (silly as it is) why would a person like him (still ridiculously attractive and equally as cool), why would he like me? In any way?
I still found him attractive, but he probably didn't find me attractive. I still thought he was the cool/funky guy, he probably thought I was still the boring, bland girl, though slightly more secure and living in a different city.
I want to find a new person. I want to start from scratch and not have someone compare me to myself- just know that I am who I am, and all the things I used to be are part of that person, but aren't the whole. I don't want someone who knew those parts of my life and those things, whether he liked them or not. I want to tell the stories how I remember them - how I felt them - and for that to be the undisputed truth.
So yes, he is gorgeous, and yes we can chat, but he didn't like me the first go 'round, and I don't want him to be able to have a mulligan and revisit me before making the call....
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