Living In Rhythm

I once read a book on 'tips for being a successful writer'. Well, 'read' would be a generous description. I browsed through it in the bookstore. I kind of thought it was bullshit. You can't just read a book and be a writer. It doesn't work that way. It takes a hell of a lot more than that.

But I digress.

The only thing in that book that I found valid at all - that made sense to me - was the author said something along the lines of, if you want to write, if you want to be a writer, SAY you're a writer.

Don't say you write. Don't say you kind of toy with things. Don't say you're thinking of writing something, or that you want to write a novel someday. If someone asks you what you do for a living, say you're a writer. Commit to it.

I actually think that's some good advice. I've just recently started thinking of myself as a writer above pretty much everything else.

So I think that when someone asks me what I do, I'll say that I'm a writer from now on.

Now, if I can just find a way to make some money at it, I'll be golden!

I watched In The Land of Women on the weekend, and I've been thinking about it ever since. This happened the first time I watched this movie too. I can't explain it. It just hits me on all levels. Life and death, mothers and daughters, love and hate, confusion and clarity. This movie portrays all of that perfectly.

And there are some really fucking good lines. I wouldn't have cursed there, but it warranted it. I want to share, because I feel like others can benefit.

Sometimes we all need a little Adam Brody to open our eyes...

"There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is okay to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole. Not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you."

"I'm on the plane out here, and I open my computer and I start reading these emails that I sent her, like 30 or more maybe, over the course of our relationship. And not just short messages, I'm talking about long, involved love letters. Like, desperately trying to be romantic and poetic, whatever. And embarrassing as it is, it's also like, kind of the best stuff I've ever written. Because it's got this naive idealism thing going on where ours is going to be one of the greatest love stories ever told, and I'm writing it. So I'm sitting there and I'm reading these emails and there's some turbulence, and I start to have this massive panic attack, like nothing I've ever had, and I think it's happening because I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again."

It's hard to believe that any painting ever made is exactly how the artist intended it to look. You have to think there are incorrect brushstrokes or colours or textures. But are those intricacies not what makes them beautiful? The mistakes and quirks are what set the mood and tone of the piece.

So why can't we see that in ourselves?

And each other?

Why are our flaws seen as negatives? We don't put a positive light on our own mistakes. You learn. You change. You evolve. The beauty is in the changing, and the lessons, and the evolution. And all that comes out of a mistake. A 'wrong' choice. Saying words you wish you hadn't.

Since when is it not okay to make that mistake?

It never has been. We've put that on ourselves.

Sometimes I think that I want to live a different life. Not be a different person, or live somewhere else, or have different friends. Just live differently. You can't - well, I can't - always live life the way I want to live it. It just doesn't work that way. I started thinking about it. Really thinking about it. I came up with a list of all the things I want to do; the way I want to live. The way I want to be, and the way I want to feel the things I feel.


I want to not work. I want to take time off and just write. Write a novel or random thoughts or children's stories. Just write because that is what I think I'm meant to do. It's come at me hard lately, that writing is what comes most natural to me. I'm upset that I didn't realize it sooner. But then again, I've said it before - sometimes things come to you at a certain time; when you need them to come to you.

I want to stop caring about things I have no business caring about. I can't elaborate on this, because there's really nothing more to say. It's just the truth.

I want other people to do the above, too.

Stop judging myself so harshly. There are enough people doing that for me already.

Sometimes I want to stop writing about true love and actually find it.

But I'm worried that it won't feel like I think it should feel.

I want music to always speak to me the way it has up until this point. I have no reason to think that it won't, but it's a paranoia I have. What if music regresses to the point where no one connects anymore? It's a chilling thought.

There are songs I think of as mine. I do not share them with anyone. I want them to stay that way. Sometimes when people ask my favourite song, I lie. That's mine, and I don't want to share it.

I want to stop thinking that I've already met the love of my life and let him slip away. Because really? The love of your life doesn't slip away. It's a contradiction in terms.

I want to travel. To stop just saying I want to do it, and actually do it. Stop making excuses and go someplace I've always wanted to go. Ireland, Tuscany, Prague, Morocco, Bordeaux...


This has become more of a life list than I intended. But maybe that's what it really was all along.

Now, what do you want?

Lately I've been wondering if my idea of love is completely skewed.

Are my expectations of what it should feel like just far higher than the emotion itself? Am I being unrealistic?

I only ask because it seems that there are a lot of people throwing that word around in a very serious way, and it just seems so easy.

Am I the one making it hard?

Know most of the years the albums in my collection were released. Not only that, but I remember the specific stores where I bought most of them, or the first time/place I listened, or who I was with or who influenced me to get the album.

Fun facts;

- I have a lot of albums from 1994. My brother and I have come to the conclusion (years ago after many drinks) that 1994 was the best year, musically speaking, in the 90's.
- I have every album released by several artists/bands. John Mayer, Jason Mraz, DMB (save for a few of their live ones), Ben Harper, Keith Urban, Brian McKnight, Usher, Kanye, Alicia Keys, Fall Out Boy, Marc Broussard, Dave Barnes, and more. Fun!
- I have more country albums than anything else, which actually surprised even me.
- There are albums that I desperately need to get, and I just made room for them. Some Hank Williams, Ani Difranco, a couple Patty Griffin, etc., etc. Is it weird that I pre-emptively add them to my collection before they're even purchased...?

I guess the point - if there is one - is that if you really take a good look at your collection (of anything...albums, books, clothes...I dunno...rocks) you can probably learn a lot about yourself. Maybe some new things, or maybe just reminders of things you may have lost sight of.

It's kind of fun.

I bought a new bookshelf yesterday and built it with my own bare hands. It now sits next to my fireplace and holds all my sheet music, journals, metronome, etc., etc.

I'm also thinking of reorganizing my entire CD collection. This'll take some thought. Do I go by genre, then alphabetically? If so, which genre should I put first? Should I go alphabetically by genre, then alphabetically by artist? Hmm. I'll think on it. Suggestions are welcome.

There's a big part of me that wants to try to do it autobiographically, a la High Fidelity, but that just seems insane. Awesome and insane.

OR, I could go chronologically, which would be amazing, but I'd have to know the year every album was released in order to find anything, and that could be a hassle...

Keep building bookshelves, kids.