I found this on my computer while looking for something else I had written. This, more than anything else, has shown me how much my life, attitude....self, has changed in the past year. So much so, that it makes me feel awkward to read this.
----------
He took what he wanted and left. There was nothing else, after a year of friendship, for him to extract from knowing me.
I invested so much of my time and energy and emotions into getting to know him. Sacrificed so much of my time and energy and emotions into getting him to see what I had wanted him to see, instead of laying it all on the table and saying 'take it or leave it'.
In the beginning, it was fun. It was a fresh start in a new city. I could be whatever I wanted to be, and what I wanted to be was myself. I just hadn't considered that that wouldn't be enough for him. That should have mattered, but it didn't.
I should have known from the beginning. Each and every time we met for any reason, he was late. Should the red flag have been that he didn't care enough about me to show me the respect to show up on time? I didn't think it was a tall order. And, of course, I let it slide. At that point, I'd rather have had him late than not at all.
Almost a year into knowing one another, he kissed me. It was something that I had wanted for so long, that I found myself overwhelmed by these feelings of relief and happiness and confusion. I wanted him. I wanted him to feel the things I felt. I wanted a relationship. I wanted his attention. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted. I didn't stop to think that what I wanted was not at all in the same vein as what he wanted. He wanted physical contact. He wanted to feel needed. He wanted to know that a woman could want him more than he wanted her. He wanted validation.
I was left in the wake of his emotional disaster. He didn't realize what he had done until after it had happened. As women, even one kiss can progress the relationship so far forward that the men are often the ones left behind. He came back with apologies and explanations that meant nothing to me. I heard them, but didn't accept them. After all, you can't accept what you don't believe. The apology wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't the gesture.
After the kiss, there was nothing left of mine for him to take, he just hasn't realized it. He doesn't want to resolve himself to the fact that I don't need his attention anymore. I am sick of being present and accessible and not getting the same thing in return.
So now I'm wondering to myself, did he take what he wanted and leave when there was nothing more to take? Or did I not get what I wanted and leave when he had nothing more to give?
Post a Comment