Living In Rhythm

I have been writing a lot lately, just for the sake of writing. Not writing anything I'd want people to read, or critique, or care about. But it's given me the gratification of just getting the thoughts onto paper. Creating for creation's sake.

I have an entire document full of song ideas that I can't for the life of me, actually sit down and write. It's like I want so badly to write the songs, that that want is a roadblock to actually getting anything written.

With me, when I write a song, if I have an idea and begin writing, the melody I first come up with pretty much stays with those words. So I am afraid that if I write a melody to go with words, and I don't love the melody, that I'll be stuck with it and the original thought won't be what I wanted it to be. Maybe that sounds a little crazy.

I picked up the guitar the other day, fully intending on writing. Just trying to force myself to come up with something. (Yes, I know that I should know better than to force it). Instead, I just played other peoples' songs for hours. On one hand, it was great - just play and sing with no consequences or self-induced pressure. Then the thoughts go from 'happy to be playing', to 'why can't I write like this'? How come Sheryl Crow can come up with Strong Enough, but I can't think up any ways to finish a chorus I came up with 6 months ago?

For a long time, I've been hoping to find a songwriting partner, which I'd still like to do. But, at the same time, I'd really like to just be able to do it on my own. And do it well. I have the thoughts. I have the motivation. I just need to let go of the 'fear' of writing something I don't love.

Sometimes the act of writing is more important that what you write.

My friend has been trying to convince me to join an online dating site. She met a few guys online, one who she really liked, and thought it might be a good way for me to meet someone. "You never know," she said.

I'm not going to do it.

But, I have been thinking: what would I say if I did join? What would my "profile" be? So I started going through ways I'd describe myself. If I were to go on one of these sites (I'm not) I would not want a boring, generic "profile". I would want tot be truthful and detailed, without telling my llife story to everyone who clicked on my name.

So I am writing what my personal ad would say. If I had one. Which I don't.

- I don't think it's too much to ask that a man has a decent job and doesn't live with his parents.
- I am allergic to cats. Also, I don't like them.
- I like dogs, but not little yappy ones, not ones that jump on me, and not mean ones.
- I don't ski or snowboard. No, I don't want to learn.
- I think music is the purest and most effective form of communication.
- I am sarcastic and cynical. But in a good way, I think.
- I think Harleys are obnoxious.
- I watch television. I don't know when that became a bad thing.
- I have a job I enjoy but don't love, but I know it will somehow lead me to my passion.
- My friends are almost as important to me as my family. Almost.
- I can slip a Friends quote, song lyric, or sports analogy into almost any conversation.
- I would rather listen to music and/or play guitar all day than do anything else.
- I have been to more concerts and shows than I can count, in almost every genre you can think of.
- I live for a summer road trip. I make playlists for different parts of the drive.
- I moved to Vancouver for a stupid reason, but found a place to start my career.
- I don't think Vancouver is as incredible as people seem to think. It is great, but there are a few things about Vancouver I can't stand.
- Few things piss me off more than people who talk about things they know nothing about.
- I don't know what I'm looking for. I only hope I can recognize it when it comes to me.


Looking at this list, it is probably too specific and honest for its hypothetical purpose. Which is why an online dating service isn't for me. When you put me down on paper, it seems to be too intense and too much to handle all at once. But when I can leak bits of information to someone gradually and as they come up in regular conversation, the effect is a little different.

And isn't that the way it's supposed to go? I don't want to start dating someone on date #5.

I just caught up with an old friend I hadn't seen in years, and I couldn't help but feel myself getting swept away into total girliness and completely ridiculous thoughts.

When I met him in college, I thought he was fantastically attractive. Green eyes, tall, fit, and not like the other guys I had met at college. He was into design and music and dressed like he wanted without feeling conscious. He, of course, didn't think there was anything special about me.

So now, 5 years later and with a little help from Facebook, we decided that since we would be in the same place at the same time, we would catch up.

We walked to each other, we hugged, we small talked, then we talked about lives and the reasons we have done the things we've done. We talked about hockey (my knowledge of which "floored" him- yes, that's the word he used). Easy, fun, clever conversation.

So of course, I felt like there was potential for a connection there. But then I started thinking- why now would he be even remotely interested in me when he wasn't 5 years ago. What would he see now that he didn't see then? And (silly as it is) why would a person like him (still ridiculously attractive and equally as cool), why would he like me? In any way?

I still found him attractive, but he probably didn't find me attractive. I still thought he was the cool/funky guy, he probably thought I was still the boring, bland girl, though slightly more secure and living in a different city.

I want to find a new person. I want to start from scratch and not have someone compare me to myself- just know that I am who I am, and all the things I used to be are part of that person, but aren't the whole. I don't want someone who knew those parts of my life and those things, whether he liked them or not. I want to tell the stories how I remember them - how I felt them - and for that to be the undisputed truth.

So yes, he is gorgeous, and yes we can chat, but he didn't like me the first go 'round, and I don't want him to be able to have a mulligan and revisit me before making the call....

I wonder how people find songwriting partners. I wonder, because I want one. I want a clever and talented person who knows his way around a guitar or piano. Yes, ‘his’ way. I love the male perspective; especially those with a sensitive or interesting take on situations where women would have a totally different point of view. I love being surprised by the lyrics men can come up with.

I want to find someone I am comfortable enough to test lyrics and notes on. To not be embarrassed if he looks at me like I’m nuts, and who will suggest something new or add a chord and change the song completely. I can’t do these things on my own.

This idea comes out of listening to a new, great song on repeat all day - All We'd Ever Need - by Lady Antebellum. This is the first song they wrote as a group. I'm not naive enough to think that kind of chemistry is easy to come by, but I have to think that a little help would only mean better songs, better words, more emotion...

So I’m putting the call out there now. Looking for a songwriting partner. Must be pro-country and non-creepy.

There are certain phrasings in songs that make the line. Some artists are genius at it- changing the entire tone of the song with a phrasing. Good phrasing can drag you into a song even if you don’t know that’s what it’s doing.

As silly as it sounds, if a great part of a song comes on, I can close my eyes and just vibe out on it- it makes me smile when I can pinpoint a phrase. It feels like it’s my little secret that I notice and no one else does. However, some things are just too good not to share….

Some of my faves, to name very few…:

“Got time, but I don’t mind” JT, Rock Your Body 0:28
“If you could only” John Mayer, Say. 1:25
“Give me a tin roof, a front porch, and a gravel road” Little Big Town, Boondocks. 2:30
“I know how hard it is to give your love away, but baby it’s safe” Marc Broussard, Come In From The Cold. 1:22
“Why can’t we just trust each other, you can’t hate me and be my lover” John Legend, Again. 2:46
“I’m in love with a girl who’s in love with the world” Amos Lee, Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight. 1:45
“You’ve got me on a natural high” India Arie, Beautiful Surprise. 0:55
“I’m gonna sing my way away from blue” John Mayer, I’m Gonna Find Another You. 1:00
“Please” Marvin Gaye, Distant Lover (live version). 2:52
“You don’t look much like a man from where I’m at” Miranda Lambert, More Like Her. 2:11
“Baby, don’t you be so mean” Ne-Yo, Can We Chill, 0:18

I am writing a song right now (first one in ages) that was born out of reading the liner notes for Continuum. The center of the booklet is a page of the inside of a studio, with “this is what my heart looks like” written with an asterisk.

The concept is amazing to me- to be able to define what the inside of yourself looks like.

So I started writing. And I am completely stuck. I want so badly to complete the chorus (maybe one of the best I’ve ever written), but I cannot think of the right word to fill out the lyrics.

Deepest? Darkest? Most fucked up (then we run into syllable problems…)…?

What is the one word/thing/idea/ that I can say is defines me completely. I have no clue. Not even the most remote idea. Even as I read the options I have written down, none of them seem right to occupy that 2-syllable space.

Books can guide you but your heart defines you (says Jay Z)….but how do you define your heart?

I have been battling with myself lately over whether or not to buy Jordin Sparks’ album. I was given a $25 gift certificate to the iTunes store and choosing which albums to buy is like…something else that is also hard to choose.

I love Tattoo. I love all the songs I have heard so far, actually.

Do I want to support someone who skipped a few steps to get where she is, when there are so many people working hard and getting nowhere?

I can't blame her for taking that opportunity. I bought Carrie Underwood’s albums…(though, I didn’t buy her debut until about a year after its release). Daughtry is great. Can we even consider Idol as skipping steps anymore?

What it comes down to is this- good music is good music. If Jessica Simpson (who I am definitely not a fan of) puts out an album that is (by some strange fluke) actually OK, I will buy it. Chances of that happening remain to be seen- she is set to release a country album soon. I am scared.

If an artist means what they are singing, sounds good, has catchy songs with decent instrumentation – some of the makings of a good album – who am I to judge what got them into the studio? I have heard my share of bad singers, and Jordin Sparks is far from one of them (see the Super Bowl. It has been a long time since someone sounded that good singing the anthem, lip-synching or not {which is a whole other issue. Stadiums like that one are not built for sound. The echo in spaces like that makes things sound completely different to the person performing, resulting in bad timing and off notes}).

She means it. She is 17, but I believe her. Sure, I could go into a million other things beyond that, that make an artist good, but if I don’t believe what they’re saying, what’s the point?

Answer: there isn’t one.